Relationships – Singleness, Marriage, and Getting that way
Wednesday Evening Bible Study
September 23, 1998
Introduction
I want to talk about several subjects tonight, dealing with the issue of getting married. I’ll be talking a little about the beauty of marriage. I’ll be talking about some tips on finding that special person. But first I need to talk about whether or not you should be married or single.
The gift of singleness
During Jesus’ day, there was one view on divorce that said, "If you dislike anything about your spouse, just divorce her!" In light of this, Jesus was being questioned by the Pharisees about divorce when He answered:
Mat 19:9-12
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. {10} His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.Jesus had such a limited view of allowing for divorce (for fornication) that His disciples thought it would just be better not to ever get married.
Some people have a pretty low view of marriage:
An old Arab proverb states that marriage begins with a prince kissing an angel and ends with a bald-headed man looking across the table at a fat lady.
Socrates told his students, "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, twice blessed you will be. If you get a bad wife, you'll become a philosopher."
Groucho Marx said, "The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open."
{11} But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. {12} For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
In other words, only those with a "gift of singleness" should try to stay unmarried.
How do I know if I’ve been "blessed" with the gift of singleness"?
If you are just fine and dandy being single, then perhaps you have the gift. If you have a strong desire to be married, I doubt you have the gift.
Warning: It’s important that you understand a little about the desires in your heart. Do you desire to be married because everyone in your family is putting pressure on you to get married? Or is it because YOU have a desire to be married?
Single apostle Paul wrote,
(1 Cor 7:7-9 KJV) For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. {8} I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. {9} But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.
Paul thought it good to be single, but if you just have to get married, go for it!
Being single has its advantages.
(1 Cor 7:32-33 KJV) But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: {33} But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.
If you are unmarried, you have LOTS of more time to devote to serving the Lord.
If you are married, you need to be spending time taking care of the needs of your family.
Illustration
I remember during a time of "singleness" in my life when I vowed never to get involved with another woman. It was a great time of serving the Lord. I was involved in ministry 18 hours a day. I didn’t have to worry about where to squeeze in a date with a girlfriend. I was a full time college student, a high school youth pastor, I helped organize concerts at church, I did door to door evangelism, I did evangelism on campus. I didn’t have to worry about staying up late ministering to people, I didn’t have to worry about checking with someone else’s calendar to schedule things.
You have a greater freedom in serving the Lord.
The blessing of marriage
Gen 2:18-25
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.This was the only part of the creation where God said "It is NOT good."
{19} And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. {20} And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. {21} And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
TOP FIVE REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
5. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men (naturally!!!) will never ask for directions.
4. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
3. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
2. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
{22} And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. {23} And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. {24} Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. {25} And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.
Lesson:
Unity through openness.
We often focus on the "one flesh" idea of marriage, and stop there.
But it’s the next verse (25) that explains how the two become one flesh, "they were both naked … and were not ashamed". Don’t focus on the physical, sexual aspects of the passage. It goes much deeper than that.
God’s desire for marriage is that there be a complete unity between two different and unique people.
That unity comes only when two people are completely exposed to each other, and they still embrace each other.
God’s ideal for marriage is that you learn to be just exactly who you really are, not hiding behind any fig leaves or facades, and the other person still loves you and accepts you for who you are.
God’s desire for your home is that you come home from work and you don’t have to pretend to be anybody else. You just be yourself. And you are loved and accepted.
Lesson:
Be real.
If you approaching the idea of marriage by trying to be something you’re not, then it’s only a matter of time before the other person discovers who you really are.
It’s better to be open and honest up front. That way if the other person accepts you, you can just be yourself. If they reject you, it’s better they do it now than if they do it later.
Illustration
The difference between courtship and marriage is the difference between the pictures in the seed catalog and what comes up. - James Wharton
Don’t let there be any surprises. Be real.
How to find your spouse
The Bible says,
(Prov 18:22 KJV) Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.
1. Pray
(1 John 5:14-15 KJV) And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us: {15} And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.
Ask God to either give you a desire for singleness, or to give you a spouse.
Pray for the "unknown spouse".
Pray that God will be blessing them, building them up, protecting them. Don't pray with a specific person in mind, let God fill in that blank.
2. Let God handle it.
(Gen 24:27 KJV) And he said, Blessed be the LORD God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy and his truth: I being in the way, the LORD led me to the house of my master's brethren.
(Gen 24:63 KJV) And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at the eventide: and he lifted up his eyes, and saw, and, behold, the camels were coming.
I think there are some good lessons to learn about getting a wife in the story of how Isaac got his.
It was actually his Dad’s idea to get a bride, and Dad sent his Servant to find one. As he prayed, the Servant just happened to stumble across exactly the right girl. Isaac was out in the field praying after a hard days work, and as he looked up, there she was. She was brought to him by the Servant.
This story has been used as an allegory of the Father fetching a bride for the Son by sending the Spirit. It’s a beautiful picture. It’s also a picture we can get connected to the right person.
We learn a lesson from the Servant in that God led him as he was "in the way".
When you simply stay walking in the will of God for you, doing the things that please God, you will find her(him).
We learn a lesson from the Son as he allowed the Servant to handle the problem. Let the Spirit handle the problem of finding the right person.
I personally don’t think you have to go to a huge singles’ group to find the right person. Certainly God can use that, but I’ve also seen God bring just the right people together here in our little fellowship.
3. Be the husband/wife you need to be now
Don’t wait for the big event. Start practicing the things in the studies we’ve already had:
Learn to love with agape (1Cor.13)
Gals, learn how to submit to another person.
Guys, learn how to lay down your life, your rights for another person.
Learn how to communicate better. Work hard at it.
4. Become "other" oriented
(Phil 2:3-4 NNAS) Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; {4} do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
Don’t wait for people to come to you, reach out and minister to others.
Sometimes Deb and I watch as certain people stand off in the corner after church, almost daring anyone to come over and talk to them.
Stop waiting for other people to come to you. Become involved in meeting the needs of other people. Introduce yourself to others. Ask them how they’re doing. Find out how you can pray for them. Next week ask how it’s going for them. That’s how you start.
I don’t mean to do this with people of the opposite sex, and only for the purpose of finding a spouse.
I’m saying that if you become over all more "other" oriented, then you’ll be so busy serving others and meeting their needs, that you won’t be so worried and focused on your own needs.
And you’ll be a much more attractive person.
5. Keep a clean mind.
(Titus 1:15 KJV) Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled.
Warning against pornography, entertainment, and the world's view of marriage
The world wants to pump you full of the idea that any and every relationship with a person of the opposite sex is a sexual one.
It comes in the form of anything from pornography, movies, soap operas, romance novels, commercials during sports events, talk among worldly people.
Sometimes, in their loneliness, a person will lose themselves in a fantasy world fed by these kinds of things.
What happens is that when you have your mind full of these ideas, and you come in contact with someone of the opposite sex, you start getting nervous, improper thoughts flood your mind, and you have a difficult time relating to the other person as simply a person.
God’s desire is that you look at your spouse with the highest purity.
(1 Pet 3:7 KJV) Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.
There’s nothing cheap or dirty about being an heir of the grace of life. It all starts with learning to look at women like that now.
6. Don’t smother
In more than one instance I’ve watched one person smother the other person.
Learn to relax and take your friendship one step at a time, slowly.
Some of you have such a longing to find that right person, that the moment an eligible person of the opposite sex talks to you, you go into panic mode.
People need to have a chance to get to know each other.
If you jump to the conclusion that "this is the one!" after two minutes of conversation, you’re going to short circuit any chance to really know each other like you should.
Don’t monopolize the conversation.
Sometimes a person is so lonely that anytime someone begins to listen to them, they go on and on and on.
Deny yourself. Learn to listen to them as much as they listen to you.
Don’t settle for a one sided relationship where you monopolize the time, topics and talk.
Don’t be a person who is hard to get away from.
(Prov 25:17 KJV) Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbour's house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee.
If you’ve been talking with someone in the parking lot for a while, and you notice that you’re the one doing all the talking, jumping from subject to subject, stop talking and see if the conversation dies. Suggest it’s time you go home and see if they object.
7. Be flexible
(James 4:13-16 NKJV) Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit"; {14} whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. {15} Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that." {16} But now you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil.
It’s arrogant when we think that our opinions and plans are best. Learn to be flexible. Learn to be open to a new thing that God may want to do.
The older you get, the more inflexible you get. We get set in our ways.
When I counsel couples that are thinking of getting married, I tell them that the older they are, the greater problems they’re going to have with flexibility.
Don’t be so opinionated about things that don’t really make any difference:
"I don’t eat that kind of food", or, "I don’t like that particular restaurant", or, "I don’t like that kind of music". What if your opinions are keeping you from someone you could really get along well with except maybe a choice of restaurant?
If God were to bless you with a spouse, one of the greatest difficulties you’re going to face is learning to compromise on lots of little things like how you do laundry, how to make breakfast, how to squeeze the toothpaste tube, how to raise children, how to clean house, how to barbecue a steak, and on and on.
It would be better to learn now to be a little more flexible. You’ll have a much better time learning to adjust to your spouse when you’re married.
Illustration
Shortly after her marriage to Prince Albert, Queen Victoria had a quarrel with her new husband. Albert walked out of the room and locked himself in his private apartment. Victoria hammered furiously on the door. "Who's there?" called Albert. "The Queen of England, and she demands to be admitted." There was no response, and the door remained locked. Victoria hammered again. "Who's there?" The reply was the same, and still the door remained shut. More fruitless and furious knocking was followed by a pause. Then there was a gentle tap. "Who's there?" Albert asked. "Your wife, Albert," the Queen replied. The prince opened the door at once!
Learn to lighten up and be flexible! You’re not even the Queen of England!
8. Balance goals and reality
It’s not uncommon for a person to have a "list" of qualifications that they have for a person they would marry.
I am concerned that a few of you have exhibited standards that are a little unrealistic.
I think that sometimes we too quickly dismiss some people because of what seems to us to be their "obvious flaws".
I’ll try to be gentle here, but I got news for you. You’re not such a great catch yourself!
None of us qualifies as a "great catch". It’s just that with some of us, our flaws are a little more obvious on the outside, while with others, there are much more serious flaws hidden deep down inside.
Here’s a few things that I believe should NOT be on your list of qualifications:
1) A great body.
If this is one of your qualifications, you might as well save yourself the trouble of a divorce and just never bother getting married.
If your expectation of a good marriage is based on being with someone who qualifies for Miss or Mr. America, there will be a day when they no longer qualify.
People get old. Muscles sag. Bellies bulge. Things droop.
Richard Selzer, in Mortal Lessons, writes,
I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face postoperative, her mouth twisted in palsy, clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth, has been severed. The surgeon had followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh; I promise you that. Nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, I had cut the little nerve.
Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed, and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamplight, isolated from me, private. Who are they, I ask myself, he and this wrymouth I have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously, greedily? The young woman speaks.
"Will my mouth always be like this?" she asks. "Yes," I say, "it will. It is because the nerve was cut." She nods, and is silent. But the young man smiles. "I like it," he says. "It is kind of cute."
All at once I know who he is. I understand, and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with a god. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth, and I am so close I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works.
2) A stunning personality.
To tell you the truth, I don’t really know what that means.
But again, the truth is that even the person you think has a personality that really would fit well with yours, probably doesn’t.
The truth is, they’re a sinner like you.
When we do premarital counseling, we give a "personality test" to the couple as a way of showing them their differences and trying to give some direction of where they’re going to have problems in their relationship.
But it’s not a "compatibility" test. In any relationship there is going to be work that’s required. A great marriage isn’t dependent upon "compatibility", it’s dependent upon your working hard to overcome your incompatibilities.
At the same time, I am concerned when I see people with such low standards that they will latch on to any one who registers a pulse.
I think you ought to have a couple of standards:
1) A believer.
I’m not going to do your marriage if you show up with some guy you met in a bar, some guy who doesn’t believe in Jesus.
(2 Cor 6:14 KJV) Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?
2) A lover of Jesus.
At the same time, I believe that it’s not just important to look for someone who believes in Jesus, but someone who is really in love with Jesus.
(John 14:15 KJV) If ye love me, keep my commandments.
Do yourself a favor and save a lot of heartaches.
I am a little concerned over the attitude that says, "If I find him at church, it’s okay." It’s that attitude that leads a desperate gal to go to the large single churches in the mega-churches. The more to choose from the better, right?
Don’t just settle for someone who claims to be a believer, look for someone who demonstrates a passion for Jesus.
If he loves Jesus, then perhaps he’ll do a little better learning to love you like Christ loves the church.
Illustration
When Ruth Bell was a teenage girl going off to Korea for schooling from her childhood home in China she fully intended to be a confirmed old maid missionary to Tibet. But she did give the thought of a husband some serious consideration. She wrote the following list of particulars:
"If I marry: He must be so tall that when he is on his knees, as one has said, he reaches all the way to heaven. His shoulders must be broad enough to bear the burden of a family. His lips must be strong enough to smile, firm enough to say no, and tender enough to kiss. Love must be so deep that it takes its stand in Christ and so wide that it takes the whole lost world in. He must be active enough to save souls. He must be big enough to be gentle and great enough to be thoughtful. His arms must be strong enough to carry a little child."
-- Ruth Bell Graham, A Time for Remembering