Relationship Roles
Wednesday Evening Bible Study
September 9, 1998
Introduction
I thought we’d start off tonight with some advice from some experts regarding relationships.
HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." Kally, age 9.
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and kinda handsome." Carolyn, age 8.
CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED:
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other." Carolyn, age 8.
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!" Bert, age 5.
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10.
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." Craig, age 9.
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." Andrew, age 6.
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." Mae, age 9.
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." Manuel, age 8.
ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE:
If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." Anita C., age 8.
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." Brian, age 7.
REFLECTIONS ON THE IMPORTANCE OF LOVE VS BASEBALL:
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." Greg, age 8.
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." Floyd, age 9.
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." Dave, age 8.
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." Regina, age 10.
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." Del, age 6.
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." Camille, age 9.
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there." Manuel, age 8.
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." Bart, age 9.
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY, "I LOVE YOU:"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." Michelle, age 9.
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat." Dick, age 7.
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." Dave, age 8.
Okay, okay …
As we go through life, there’s lots of different kinds of roles that we need to learn to play if we’re going to be successful at relationships.
I want to talk about three of these roles: Submission, Friend, Lover
I have a concern particularly for those of you who are not married, that you might be looking at these studies as something you’ll just get around to when the time comes.
But I believe that if it’s God’s will for you to be married (a subject we’ll deal with in two weeks), then these are things you’d better be practicing right now.
Could it be possible that some of these principles are lacking in your life, and that God prefers for you to learn the principle before finding that special guy or girl?
Even if it’s not God’s will for you to be married, as you’ll see, none of us are exempt from any of these roles.
Submission
This is a role that in relationships we normally assign to the wife, but in reality that’s not quite the whole picture.
The role of submission is one we are all to learn.
As employees:
(Col 3:22-25 KJV) Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God: {23} And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; {24} Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ. {25} But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done: and there is no respect of persons.
All of us:
1 Peter 5:5 Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all [of you] be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.
One of the major hindrances to submission, is that we’re too proud to submit.
As believers:
James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
I wonder if at times we are going to have a hard time learning to submit to God if we don’t learn to submit to one another.
Wives
We will look a little more closely to the role of submission in marriage.
(1 Pet 3:1-6 NASB) In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, {2} as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. {3} And let not your adornment be merely external-- braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; {4} but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. {5} For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. {6} Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.
submit
(hupotasso): A military word meaning to line up in rank under; to obey.What submission doesn't mean:
1. It doesn't mean she's inferior
Some churches teach and practice this. I talked with a gal onece who went to a church that made all the women stay out in the hall while the men went into the sanctuary.
1Co 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman [is] the man; and the head of Christ [is] God.
Jesus isn't inferior to the Father, but He submits to Him.
Submission has to do with order, not with inferiority.
2. It doesn't mean "shut up and obey"
I counseled a couple once where the wife had a REAL problem with submission because she thought it meant "Just shut up and obey me woman!"
Note 1Pet.3:5-6 - Sarah is the example for women to follow.
She called Abraham "Lord" (and obeyed him)
Ge 18:12 Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?
But before you guys get all excited about this, keep in mind that Sarah is one of the most outspoken ladies in the entire Bible.
She was the one who gave Abraham the idea of taking Hagar as a wife (which was a mistake).
She was the one who felt it was time for Hagar and Ishmael to leave the family.
God told Abraham to pay attention to his wife!
Sometimes she was wrong, sometimes she was right, but she shared her opinions.
What it does mean:
1. Give your opinions.
As we've seen with Sarah!
Illustration
I almost hate to give this illustration because of the state of the presidency now, but it’s still a pretty good picture of submission.
The president is not the expert on all the issues, but he surrounds himself with people who are. When it comes to making decisions, a wise person will ask advice from the best people and then make their decision.
Who knows most on specific subjects? The advisors.
Who makes the decisions? The president.
2. Teach your husband to make good decisions.
1Pe 3:1-2 Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; 2 While they behold your chaste conversation [coupled] with fear.
Men are taught by actions, not words.
I’ve got this sneaking suspicion that most gals are miles ahead when it comes to making decisions. I haven’t figured out if it’s that "woman’s intuition" thing, or if they’re just smarter, but for the most part, they seem to make decisions tons better than guys.
But gals, your husbands need to grow in making good decisions.
If you always decide for him, he'll never be a strong, decisive leader. But if you let him decide, even fall on his face, he can grow and learn to make better decisions.
Give him your opinion and support him.
If you give your opinion but sit in the back taking potshots at him, he’ll never have the confidence to make another decision. But if you give your opinion and then support WHATEVER decision he makes, even if he fails you’ll find that the two of you are closer together through the whole thing. You’ll also find that he’ll probably think twice before discarding your opinion.
Guys, if you’re smart, you’ll give your wife’s opinions a LOT of weight when it comes to making your decisions.
3. Faith.
The difficult thing is when a wife says, "But he’s going to take us over a cliff if I let him make all the decisions."
That could be true. But on the other hand, perhaps God wants you to go over a cliff. Maybe that’s where you need to be.
The bottom line is that this is God’s pattern in the home. There comes a point where God is going to ask you to trust Him that He knows what He’s doing. Will you get in the wheel barrow?
Friend
Whereas the role of submission is often seen as a person putting themselves under another person, the role of a true friend is being at the side of another person. It’s two people being at an equal level.
Open, two-way communication
A friend doesn’t hide something from the other person.
(John 15:13-15 KJV) Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. {14} Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you. {15} Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.
It’s not a one-way sharing. Sometimes we have people in our lives that we feel we can be open with, and then they share their counsel with us. But that’s not quite what I’m talking about. I’m talking about when you have someone who shares back with you, and you counsel them.
Proverbs 27:17
Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.It’s an open sharing that encourages another person.
Proverbs 27:9
Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so [doth] the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel.It’s communication that doesn’t hold back, but even says the hard things at times:
Proverbs 27:6
Faithful [are] the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy [are] deceitful.Faithfulness – someone to be counted on
The difficult thing about opening yourself up with someone is when they turn their back on you.
David experienced this when his son Absalom rebelled against him. it was one of his counselors, one of his friends that rebelled as well:
Psalms 41:9 Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up [his] heel against me.
A friend is someone who won’t turn their back on you at the first sign of trouble.
Proverbs 17:17
A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.Proverbs 18:24 A man of [many] friends [comes] to ruin, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. (NAS)
You may not be married, but you still need a friend.
Not a counselor who always listens to you and answers your questions.
A friend who you can pour out your heart to, and who pours out their heart to you.
Someone who will stick by you through thick or thin.
If you’re married, this starts with your spouse.
Lover
If you’ve followed our progression, we’ve talked about the role of submission (being under another person), the role of a friend (being at the side of another person), so the next logical role is that of … no it’s not being "above" another person … it’s learning to be a lover. We often talk about wives being submissive to their husbands, but that doesn’t mean that the husband’s role is to be the "master" of their wives. They are to be lovers.
Ephesians 5:25-28
(Eph 5:25 KJV) Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
The husband needs to be careful not to command his wife to submit, he is to focus on his responsibility, to love like Jesus.
Just as submission isn’t limited to the wife alone, this kind of love isn’t unique to husbands either.
(1 John 3:16 KJV) Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us: and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.
But we’ll focus mainly on the husbands here, since this is what Paul does –
What's the husband's role?
1. Sacrificial Love.
(Eph 5:25 KJV) Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
It’s easy for us to sit back and daydream about giving up our lives for our wife. We picture the communists bursting in the door and firing a bullet at our wife when suddenly we get up and dive in front of her, and dying in her place. Nice dream, but hardly reality.
Here's where the rubber meets the road: Will you give up your TV programs to watch hers? Will you give up your night with the guys to help her remodel the bathroom?
As we mentioned last week in discussing 1Cor.13, love "seeks not it’s own". When you choose to love someone, you choose to lay down your rights for the sake of the other person.
The husband isn't supposed to make the decisions as the head of the house based on what's best for him, but what's best for her.
2. Beautifying Love.
(Eph 5:26-28 KJV) That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, {27} That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. {28} So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
If a husband is loving his wife correctly, his love will be purifying and beautifying his wife.
"washing of water by the word" – some have taken this to mean that we are to read our Bibles to our wives, and that’s not a bad thing!
But keep the analogy straight here. Jesus loves His bride, I love mine. Jesus washes His bride in the water of His word (the Bible), I am to wash my bride in the water of MY word.
Your words can build up your wife or tear her down.
Pr 12:18 There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise [is] health.
Illustration
Solomon and his wife (which one?)
(Song 4:1-3 KJV) Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead. {2} Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them. {3} Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.
Okay, okay, so it loses something in the translation. But you get the picture. The guy is telling his wife how beautiful he thinks she is to him.
Caution: If your wife is like mine, she will respond with something like, "You need to get your eyes checked". Don’t let this stop you! Keep it up!
(Song 4:7 KJV) Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee.
Could it be that this was the perfect woman? No. But he loves her so much, he doesn’t see her faults.
In response to all his washing words of love, he sees no spot in his bride.
Isn’t this just like Jesus’ love? Jesus’ love washes us and removes the spots and wrinkles.
Is this deceptive? Isn’t this just buttering her up so I can get something? Not if you really mean it!!!
If you honestly start making it a practice to compliment your wife honestly on the things you appreciate in her, you will find that you will pay less and less attention to the "spots", until you get to the point where you just won’t see them anymore.
And better yet, this isn’t just a mind game you play on yourself! You will find that your wife WILL ACTUALLY BE MORE BEAUTIFUL EVERY DAY!!! She’ll be washed in the water of your words.
"That’s great Rich, but I’m not married!"
You can still be a person who builds up others with your words rather than tears them down. You can still make a point of finding things to encourage and compliment others on.