Relationships – True love
Wednesday Evening Bible Study
September 2, 1998
Introduction
We in English understand that there are many ways to use the word "love".
I love Snickers candy bars. I love my children. I love my wife. I love Jesus.
In English we use the same word, "love", yet hopefully you understand that I love my children a bit differently than I love Snickers candy bars.
The Greeks used their language a bit differently. Rather than just using one word in different ways, they used different words to describe the different kinds of love.
There was a word to describe how you felt about members of your family (sturge). There was a word to describe physical, sexual love (eros).
There was a word to describe the emotional, "warm fuzzies" (phileo) a word that could also be used to describe much of the feelings within friendship.
This is the word we usually associate with any kind of non-physical love. But it’s quite a conditional type of love.
It depends a lot on feelings. It’s based on feelings. It’s usually also based on how you treat me. I’ll love you if you do such-and-such for me.
But there weren’t any adequate words to describe exactly what kind of love Jesus meant. Each kind of love fell a bit short. So the New Testament writers picked an obscure word, agape, and gave it their own meaning, defining it, and it became a word practically unique to Christian writing.
Its meaning:
Love based not in the emotions, but in the will.
A love that chooses to place value on another person, regardless of the other person's deserving it.
It is unconditional.
It is a love that is demonstrated by action, primarily by giving.
I believe that all four kinds of love ought to be found in marriage.
1Corinthians 13:1-3 Why Love
:1 Though I speak with the tongues …and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass
the tongues of men and of angels – Paul is referring to the gift of tongues here. Note: Tongues can be a human language, or a "heavenly" one.
charity – as through the chapter, this is agape love.
sounding brass … tinkling cymbal – loud, noisy instruments.
What’s the purpose of speaking, if all that comes out is a bunch of noise? Can you imagine trying to communicate with someone where every time they speak, all that comes out is a bunch of noise? It’s almost like Harpo Marx, who used to never speak in the movies, but sometimes would just honk a horn.
I am become – perfect tense. Something that has happened in the past, but continues on into the present. The idea is that I my becoming a bunch of noise starts the moment I’ve stopped having agape, and it continues on to the present.
:2 the gift of prophecy … and have not charity, I am nothing
gift of prophecy … understand … knowledge … all faith – keep in mind the context here. Paul has been talking about spiritual gifts through all of chapter twelve, and will continue talking about spiritual gifts in chapter 14. Paul is talking here about the spiritual gifts of prophecy, word of wisdom, word of knowledge, and faith.
The gift of prophecy is to speak for God. A prophet is a person who has a message from God.
The gift of the word of wisdom is to have an understanding about difficult things. It’s the person who often has just the right solution to your problem.
The gift of the word of knowledge is an ability to have knowledge about a person, place, or event, that you have no personal experience of. It’s when God whispers secrets about someone in your ear.
The gift of faith is the ability to trust God for the things difficult to believe for. It’s like Peter grabbing the lame man by the hand and commanding him to walk.
I am nothing – Present tense. If I have these great, awesome spiritual gifts, but don’t have love, I am at this very moment NOTHING.
:3 I bestow all my goods … and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing
though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor – literally, "If I should feed everyone my possessions". It’s more than just feeding the poor, it’s feeding EVERYBODY!
give my body to be burned – what a great act of selflessness. We see Paul using examples of great philanthropy, doing great public deeds.
it profiteth me nothing – Present tense. It is not bringing me ANY profit without love.
Lesson:
Love makes life worthwhile.
It’s only when we learn to live our lives according to agape, that our lives have any substantial value.
Some people in the church can get the idea that to add meaning to life, you need to obtain certain spiritual gifts. Other people think that meaning is gained from great selfless deeds. Paul says that it only comes if we learn to love with agape.
This is the real question. What do you want to make of your life?
Are you spending your time on things that are only "fluff" when it comes to eternity?
Or are you spending your time learning the one thing that adds substance and meaning to life, learning agape.
Agape isn’t an easy thing. It can be really hard work some times. But it’s what makes life worthwhile. It’s what makes your relationships worthwhile.
:4-8 Love defined
:4 Charity suffereth long
The Greek word (makrothumia) used here means literally, "long-burning". We usually translate it "patience". It is a word that is used specifically in relationships with people. It is having patience with difficult people.
For a long time, I’ve looked at this word like the fuse that Snidely Whiplash puts on the dynamite, a fuse long enough for Dudley Do-right to ride up in the nick of time and put out. In this sense, it’s the idea of not having a "short fuse", of not exploding at people quickly.
But the word could probably more accurately be the idea of keeping the fire of passion burning in your heart for a long time. Rather than letting a person get under your skin and "blow out the candle" of passion for them, you keep the light of love burning for a long time.
Illustration
There is no greater example of patience than that of God's patience towards His people.
When God first delivered them from Egypt, He warned them to not disobey His commandments for them:
DEU 28:15 "But it shall come about, if you will not obey the \Lord\ your God, to observe to do all His commandments and His statutes with which I charge you today, that all these curses shall come upon you and overtake you.
You might look at that and think, "Boy, does this guy have a short fuse!"
But when you examine history, you find that God gave this warning to the people around 1500 BC, and even though they were disobedient from the beginning, it wasn’t until 586 BC that the final fulfillment of this came true. That’s patience that lasts for 900 years!
How long do we give people before we "lose it" with them?
:4 and is kind
Kindness is defined as "usefulness directed toward others". It’s doing kind, gracious, good things for other people. It’s an active kind of word. You can’t just sit on the couch, smiling, and say you are "kind". You have to be up, doing things for other people.
We see Jesus explaining this idea of "doing good" to others:
(Luke 6:30-35 KJV) Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. {31} And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. {32} For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them. {33} And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same. {34} And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. {35} But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.
It’s the idea of doing good to the other person, whether you feel like it or not. It seems to me that this is a quality that the typical "macho man" lacks. He’d rather be served than serve.
This is also the major ingredient in keeping love flowing.
The relationship between a husband and his wife has been compared to the relationship between Jesus and His church (Eph.5). An interesting study is to go through the Bible and see how Jesus relates to His church, and learn to apply it in marriage.
In the book of Revelation, Jesus writes a letter to a church that has lost it’s passion:
(Rev 2:4-5 KJV) Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love. {5} Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except thou repent.
The world gives us the notion that if you somehow fall out of love with a person, it’s time to move on and find a new lover.
But Jesus tells us that rather than move on, just get back your first love.
Note: Jesus doesn’t say they "lost their first love", He says they left it. If you lose something, you don’t know where to find it. If you’ve simply left something, you know how to get back there.
Jesus give us three steps to get back:
1. Remember
This is the same for those of us who have left our first love with the Lord. Remember back to what it was like when you first walked with the Lord.
In relationship, take time to remember what it was like during the days when the romance was hot.
2. Repent
Repentance simply means turning around. If you’ve been doing something that takes you away from the Lord, you turn around and head back. If you’ve been doing something that takes you away from your relationship, you turn around.
3. Re-Do
Do the first works. Think back to what you used to do, then go back and do them. If you’ve left your first love with the Lord, think back to what you used to do when you first came to know Him. You used to go to church all the time, you used to read your Bible all the time, you used to pray all the time, etc. Go back and do those things.
In a relationship, you’ll find that there will be times when frankly the feelings are gone. But don’t settle for that! Get it back! Start doing those little romantic things you used to do, writing little notes, helping her out of the car, cooking dinner for her, etc.
"But wait", you say, "it won’t be sincere, I won’t be doing those things because I feel like it." There are certain things we need to be doing, whether we feel like them or not. And often, we’ll find out that if we just get back to doing what we’re supposed to be doing, the emotions will follow.
Illustration
It’s like the old pump down on Grandma’s farm. in the old days, instead of running water, you had to use the pump. And sitting next to the pump would be a bucket, which you were supposed to keep filled with water. If the pump hadn’t been used for a while, if you just went up and started pumping, all you’d do is pump air. But if you pour the bucket of water down the pump, and prime the pump, then you’d be able to pump water. In other words, to get water out, you had to put water in. If you want to get some love out of your relationship, you need to put some in. Don’t worry, I guarantee that the feelings will come back. Money back!
Note: If the pump hasn’t been used in a REAL LONG TIME, it might even be a little rusty. In that case, you may need to also OIL the pump. Ask God to pour His Holy Spirit on you, anointing you, and helping you to fall in love all over again.
:4 charity envieth not
The idea here is of jealousy, an inner boiling or burning that starts inside you when you see something another person has and you want to have the same thing for yourself.
When you love the other person, instead of being angry for what they've received, you rejoice with them for their blessings.
Love wants the best for others; not others' best for itself.
:4 charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
Or, "Love does not brag and is not arrogant"
Love is happy enough without recognition.
I'm not usually that way. Whenever I finally get around to helping my wife with some housework, after I'm finished, the first thing I do is to make sure she realizes what a wonderful job I did.
Illustration
A little country boy was out fishing with only a switch for a pole and a bent pin for a hook, but he was catching many fish. A city fellow who had spent much time fishing without any success, though he had the best of fishing outfit, came across the boy with his long string of fish, and he asked the boy the reason of his success. The boy said, "The secret of it all is that I keep myself out of sight."
The secret of catching a lot of happiness in our relationships is when we don’t demand to be in the spotlight, but desire instead just to bless others.
Arrogance is when you feel superior to others, not necessarily when you are. You become hardened towards other's needs and only care for yourself.
:5 Doth not behave itself unseemly
Or, "love is not rude".
This refers to not doing things improperly, not doing things impolitely, and shaming other people with rude behavior.
It’s like the kinds of jokes we tell each other:
EPH 4:29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such {a word} as is good for edification according to the need {of the moment,} that it may give grace to those who hear.
One thing I see in many relationships is the lack of manners. It’s the attitude among guys, "Oh, it’s just my old lady …"
I think we ought to be opening doors for the gals. I think we ought to learn and practice courtesy.
The other day I was thinking about this, and ran around the car to open my wife’s door, and I thought she was going to drop dead with surprise! (because it’s so rare that I do that!)
:5 seeketh not her own
Being more concerned about the other person's rights than your own. Not asking what life owes you, but what do you owe life. Being more concerned about the edification of others rather than your own edification.
PHI 2:3-4
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; 4 do not {merely} look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.Often people in a bad relationship are complaining about their "rights" being trampled on. But when you choose to live by agape, you choose to abandon your rights and live for the other person. This is NOT what the world teaches. The world teaches us to live for ourselves, not for others.
:5 is not easily provoked
The idea is being provoked to anger. This is much like "patience" or "long-suffering".
In the KJV, it says, "easily provoked", yet the "easily" is not in the Greek text. You can't get away with being angry by justifying it saying, "it wasn't easy, but I'm angry".
One common reason for anger is misunderstanding.
PRO 19:11 A man's discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression.
When you feel yourself getting angry, it's pretty safe to assume that you aren't understanding what the other person is thinking or doing.
Illustration
Some days we like driving a little slower. And when we get off on the freeway by a faster driver, we get mad. But then there are days when we’re in a hurry, and we get mad at all those other "slow" drivers. Funny, ain’t it?
Illustration
This reminds me of a story …
Sitting on the side of the interstate with his radar gun, a state trooper was waiting to nab speeders. Noticing a car puttering along at 22 mph and thinking to himself.... This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder, so he turns on his lights and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem? "Ma'am" the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, 22 miles per hour", the old woman stated proudly. The state trooper trying to contain a chuckle explains to her the 22 was the route number and not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask.... is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.
:5 thinketh no evil
Bad translation here. It would be better to say, "Love does not take into account a wrong suffered"
This is an accounting phrase of entering up in a ledger an item so it won't be forgotten. Keeping track of when people hurt you.
This is going to become most evident when you have your fights.
If you start pulling out old laundry lists of things the other person has done over the last two centuries, you've missed the point here. When phrases like, "You always do that," show up, some wrongs have been kept track of.
Keep short gripe lists.
Don’t stay angry forever!
(Eph 4:26-27 KJV) Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: {27} Neither give place to the devil.
Forgive like God forgives you. When He forgives, He forgets (Jer.31:34)
:6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity
Sometimes when we’re upset with someone, we kind of get a kick out of seeing them stumble and fall. Love isn’t pleased when another stumbles.
:6 but rejoiceth in the truth
Sometimes truth is kind of hard to take. Especially when it’s the truth about you, and when the truth isn’t good news.
But learning agape means that when someone gets the guts up to tell you something difficult, you don’t get defensive or mad at them, but you learn to thank them for having the courage to share it with you.
It’s learning to see that ones who love you truly, will tell you the truth.
(Prov 27:6 KJV) Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.
It’s learning that the more I understand of the truth, the more I grow up.
(Eph 4:15 KJV) But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:
:7 Beareth all things
A better translation would be "covers all things". The Greek word here (stego) means to cover up something for the purpose of protecting it.
This isn’t the idea of "covering up" as in ignoring another persons problems, like the wife that refuses to admit that her husband is an alcoholic. But this is the idea of not dragging the other person’s sins out in public to humiliate them.
It's not uncommon to hear men gripe about their wives at work, and women about their husbands. But you should never take part in those conversations. Even if you've got some great stories yourself to tell.
1PE 4:8 Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.
When a husband meets his wife's friends, he should be greeted with exclamations like, "Oh, you're Mr. Wonderful!", not, "So that's what the snake looks like".
A common thing that happens in marriage is for one person to be hurt by the other, and then they go home to Mommy and cry and complain. After Mommy makes them feel better, they go home and make up, but Mommy doesn’t like her son-in-law anymore.
When you agape someone and they do something to hurt you, you deal with it between the two of you.
:7 believeth all things
I think this means that we give the other person the benefit of the doubt. That doesn’t mean we have to be totally gullible, but if you don’t know for sure what happened, give them a break!
Illustration
Talking about believing all things …
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly ---from the sky--- a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE! Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her a hole. The voice came
once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "NO, I AM THE ICE-RINK MANAGER!"
:7 hopeth all things
It’s hard to continue in a relationship without hope.
Illustration
I remember hearing about tests done with laboratory wharf rats. These are the rats that live under the piers along the waterfront. One group of rats was placed in a large container of water, in the dark, with no place to stand on, they had to keep swimming. They all drowned within fifteen minutes. The second group was placed in a similar container, yet every ten minutes the lab technician would open the container, take the rats out, stroke them a few seconds, and put them back in the water. They didn't have time to rest, they just got a little encouragement. These rats went on swimming for over 12 hours (or something like that...).
If there’s a difficult person at work that God has called you to agape, you need to keep hoping and praying that God will touch them. Don’t give up. If you’re in a difficult marriage, you need to ask God to give you hope to keep holding on. If you have difficult children, you need hope.
Here’s where agape gets a little tricky.
What if you are in a "dating", or, "broken-up-dating" relationship? Do you still keep hoping?
I believe you need to be careful of pumping yourself up with too much hope if you haven’t crossed the altar and said "I do" yet. I think there’s a very fine line between faith that God has led you to the right person, and presumption that what you think is God’s will, actually is.
:7 endureth all things
The Greek word here (hupomone) means literally to "remain under". It means to be patient and bear up courageously when hard times hit. Not just waiting the situation out, but being a victor in the midst of conflict.
This is a Greek word with a military background. It sustains its holder in the face of violent suffering and persecutions, not just annoyances and minor grievances.
It is an aggressive trait. It does not face adverse obstacles with a spirit of passivity or defeatism, but continues to press forward even when confronted with the most terrible opposition.
I like to think of a vise squeezing harder and harder, and rather than just bailing under the pressure, you stay under it.
:8 Charity never faileth
It will never let you down.
How do you rate with agape?
Summary Lesson:
Learn Agape.
Whether you’re married or not, whether you’re in a relationship or not, you still need to learn agape. It’s what adds value to life. It’s what makes life precious.