Elements of Marriage - Communication

Sunday Morning Bible Study

February 1, 2009

Introduction

This is our third study in our series on marriage.

Our first week we talked about “submission” – not just as a responsibility of women to submit to their husbands, but how all of us as Christians have the responsibility to learn this thing called submission, and mostly to learn to submit to God.

Our second week we talked about “love” – not the warm fuzzy kind of stuff, but love that’s based on a choice to value another person. It’s a love that is characterized by actions of sacrifice and words of affirmation.

This week we deal with the subject of communication.

Webster defines communication as: “The exchange of ideas, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, or writing.”

One of my professors in seminary wrote a book, “Communication: Key to Your Marriage”. I think he was right.

We’re going to look at seven ingredients to good communication. Taken notes!

1. Stop and think

(Prov 15:28 NKJV) The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.

You can’t take back words once you’ve said them. Stop and think before you respond.

For some of us, we’ll grow much stronger in our relationships if we learn to slow down our responses.

Sometimes we have something real important to say – take time to think about how you’re going to say it and when you’re going to say it.

Illustration

The Gossiper

A woman repeated a bit of gossip about a neighbor. Within a few days the whole community knew the story. The person it concerned was deeply hurt and offended. Later the woman responsible for spreading the rumor learned that it was completely untrue. She was very sorry and went to a wise old sage to find out what she could do to repair the damage. “Go to the marketplace,” he said, “and purchase a chicken, and have it killed. Then on your way home, pluck its feathers and drop them one by one along the road.” Although surprised by this advice, the woman did what she was told. The next day the wise man said, “Now go and collect all those feathers you dropped yesterday and bring them back to me.” The woman followed the same road, but to her dismay, the wind had blown the feathers all away. After searching for hours, she returned with only three in her hand. “You see,” said the old sage, “it’s easy to drop them, but it’s impossible to get them back. So it is with gossip. It doesn’t take much to spread a rumor, but once you do, you can never completely undo the wrong.”

Author Unknown, Submitted by Helen Hazinski from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul; Copyright 1997 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen and Kimberly Kirberger

Words do matter

We learn to say as children, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”.

Not completely true.

Words leave horrible scars that no one else can see.

2. Speak the truth.

(Prov 12:22 NKJV) Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, But those who deal truthfully are His delight.

You may think that you can make a situation a little better by just telling a little lie this one time. But when your lie catches up to you, what you find is that your credibility is gone and when you have a need to be believed, you may find yourself trapped because no one will believe you.

Illustration

Do you remember the story of the little boy who cried wolf? He liked getting attention by running into town and crying “wolf”. But after doing this a couple of times, everybody learned that they couldn’t take him seriously. One day when a real wolf appeared, he ran into town, and no one would believe him.

A good marriage is built on trust.

I trust that you love me.

I trust that you are committed to me.

One of the elements of trust is telling the truth.

I need to know that when you talk to me about something that I can trust that you are being honest with me.

If we are having a problem between us, and I want to fix the problem, how can I start to fix the problem if I don’t really know the truth?

If you are consistent about speaking the truth to each other, you don’t have to worry about convincing each other that you’re telling the truth.

3. Speak Clearly

I think that sometimes we have a hard time just coming out and saying what we mean. And so we dance around the subject and drop hints about what we’re thinking. But that makes communication pretty risky.

(1 Cor 14:7 NKJV) Even things without life, whether flute or harp, when they make a sound, unless they make a distinction in the sounds, how will it be known what is piped or played?

Paul is talking about how we need to pray for interpretation when a person uses the gift of tongues in a service. But I think there’s a principle that carries over to conversations in English as well. Speak clearly. Say what you mean.

Sometimes things don’t quite come out the way we intended them to like these …

Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Ushers will eat latecomers.

Illustration

A man writes, “About five years ago the battery in my old VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start. She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.”

Sometimes the problem with clarity isn’t with our words but our actions.

Sometimes our words say one thing, but our actions say another.

You can tell your spouse that they’re your top priority, but if your actions show that other people or things are more important, you’re not speaking clearly.

(1 John 3:16 NKJV) By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.

4. Speak Gently

(Prov 15:1 NKJV) A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Words can resolve or continue a fight.

Healthy marriage is not the absence of fighting, it’s learning to fight fairly, not hitting “below the belt”.

The closer we get to somebody, the more “buttons” we uncover in their life. Do you know what I mean by “buttons”?

It’s like those buttons on the panel marked “Warning, do not push except under nuclear attack!”

Play Dr. Strangelove clip

Buttons are those areas that are extra sensitive in a person’s life. It might be an area of their life that involves hurt or shame. It might be an old sin that isn’t forgotten.

Pressing buttons is not fighting fairly.

The problem with buttons is that they seem to work. If you get to a place in an argument where you are losing, you can always press the button.

Harsh words work.

Some call this the “Easy Button”, like in the commercial.

Harsh words can bully the other person into giving up.

Even though you may have won the argument, you’ve lost the war.

All that you have left after nuclear war is a wasteland.

In the end, you lose. You lose respect. You lose intimacy.

YOU have a responsibility in any argument. YOU have the ability to continue it or work towards resolving it.

You have a choice. You have two kinds of words to choose from. Choose wisely.

Play Indiana Jones – Grail Knight “Choose Wisely” – the poor choice

Dr. Brown didn’t choose wisely. Did you notice that he let the girl make the choice for him?

Sometimes we make the wrong choices and blame it on the other person. we say, “But they made me react the way I did”.

In reality, no one makes the choice for you of which kind of words you respond with. You are the one making the choice.

Play Indiana Jones – Indiana choosing correctly

I thought it was cool the Indiana chose the right cup, the cup of the Carpenter, the simple humble cup.

Just like the words we need to choose. Choose words like Jesus. Choose words that are simple, humble, and gracious.

(Col 4:6 NKJV) Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.

5. Silence

Someone’s mom: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”

Solomon wrote,

(Prov 10:19 NKJV) In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise.

Though good fellowship and good relationships depend on good communication, sometimes it’s important to realize that the best communication at that moment may be no communication. If the things we’re going to say are hurtful, sarcastic, or just stupid, keep your mouth shut.

Illustration

Sometimes it’s better to be silent.

Illustration

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years, they had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said,” my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.” The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. “Honey,” he said, “that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?” “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the doilies.”

Sometimes keeping quiet is a good thing.

6. Hearing hard things

(Prov 12:1 NKJV) Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, But he who hates correction is stupid.

Some people are very pleasant to communicate with, as long as you say nice things to them. But sometimes communication has to include constructive criticism. Parents will say a hearty “amen” to this, but sometimes even parents need a little, loving guidance.

When someone criticizes you, be careful not to respond with a knee-jerk criticism back.

(Eph 4:15 NKJV) but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head; Christ;

The key to growing up as Christians is learning to speak the truth to each other, but in LOVE.

Sometimes we forget the “love” and play “tit-for-tat” instead. Kind of like the Three Stooges … Play Three Stooges pie fight.

If you always handle hearing difficult things by throwing a pie back in their face, you’ll never grow as a person. You’ll never have heard and responded to the truth.

Even worse, who will ever want to bother telling you something you really need to know for fear that you might get upset? You might like that people don’t say hard things, but in the end you’ll be a much poorer person for it.

This was a wise man.

Do you have friends who will say hard things to you once in a while? When they do, do you pay attention?

(Prov 27:6 NKJV) Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

7. Understand

Illustration

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”

“And then?” asked a woman. “I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine.”

Good communication is hard. And rare. It’s so easy to misunderstand each other.

(Prov 18:13 NKJV) He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.

Sometimes we make the mistake of answering someone before we’ve really taken time to understand just what they’re saying. Even a little piece of the puzzle can change the way we understand things.

This happened to King David. David had been friends with the king of the Ammonites. When this king died, David sent messengers to extend his condolences and extend comfort to the king’s son. But some of the son’s friends misunderstood David’s intent:

(2 Sam 10:3-4 NKJV) And the princes of the people of Ammon said to Hanun their lord, "Do you think that David really honors your father because he has sent comforters to you? Has David not rather sent his servants to you to search the city, to spy it out, and to overthrow it?" {4} Therefore Hanun took David's servants, shaved off half of their beards, cut off their garments in the middle, at their buttocks, and sent them away.

In other words, David’s messengers were extremely humiliated. Where did all this lead? It led to war. All because of misunderstood words and actions. I don’t think David was at fault for sending ambassadors. Hanun made the mistake of making decisions before he really understood.

Illustration

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

—George Bernard Shaw, Irish literary critic, playwright, and essayist (1856-1950)

Source unknown; submitted by Kevin Miller, executive vice president, Christianity Today International

How communication works:

1. You think of something.

You are developing the thought, the meaning you intend to communicate.

2. You express it.

It may be verbal, it may be non-verbal.

3. The other person receives it.

By listening, by watching, reading, etc.

4. The other person interprets what they received.

They try to put together all they heard, saw, etc., to form their idea of what you intended to say.

It's a little like a spy on the battlefield sending a message, encoded, back to headquarters. Headquarters receives the message, decodes the message, and then needs to determine just all that was meant in the few words sent.

Problems with communication.

The problem with communication is that there are four different places to goof things up!

1. I didn’t take time to think. I’m not sure myself what I’m trying to say.

2. It came out wrong.

ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND:

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

3. They didn’t hear clearly. Maybe they got caught up in their own problems or situation to not pay full attention to what is being communicated.

I’ll bet with today’s football game, there might be a chance to test this one. Guys, how many times has the wife told you something while you’re trying to watch TV, and you just nod without having a clue what she said???

4. They misunderstood.

Perception is not reality

Just because you think you decoded the message correctly doesn’t mean you did. What if you’re wrong? What if you didn’t understand the whole message?

Illustration

THE FOG LIFTED It was June 18, 1815, the Battle of Waterloo. The French under the command of Napoleon were fighting the Allies (British, Dutch, and Germans) under the command of Wellington. The people of England depended on a system of signals to find out how the battle was going. One of these signal stations was on the tower of Winchester Cathedral.

Late in the day it flashed the signal: “W-E-L-L-I-N-G-T-O-N- - - D-E-F-E-A-T-E-D- -.” Just at that moment one of those sudden English fog-clouds made it impossible to read the message. The news of defeat quickly spread throughout the city. The whole countryside was sad and gloomy when they heard the news that their country had lost the war. Suddenly the fog lifted, and the remainder of the message could be read. The message had four words, not two. The complete message was: “W-E-L-L-I-N-G-T-O-N- - -D-E-F-E-A-T-E-D- - T-H-E- - -E-N-E-M-Y!” It took only a few minutes for the good news to spread. Sorrow was turned into joy, defeat was turned into victory!

What if you haven’t understood the whole message?

The Tool called “Feedback”:

“Feedback” is a method to help us learn how to better make sure we understand each other.

“Feedback” is just a tool. And like most tools, you don’t need them all the time, but when you do, it sure helps to have some skill with that tool. If you take time to practice this technique, then when you need it, it will be there.

It’s learning to use four little words.

"I heard you say".

If you start getting mad with something the other person has just said, perhaps you’ve simply misunderstood. Try saying, “I heard you say …” and repeat back to them the gist of what you think they said.

Perhaps someone starts to get angry with you and you don’t understand why. Try saying to them, “Excuse me, but what did you just hear me say?”

There’s a reward for good communication

(Prov 12:14 NLT) People can get many good things by the words they say

Sometimes good communication seems like a lot of hard work. Sometimes it looks too difficult to pull off, especially when you’re in a tense relationship. Don’t throw in the towel, it’s worth it!

Remember, it’s the key to your marriage.

Introduction

This is our third study in our series on marriage.

Our first week we talked about “submission” – not just as a responsibility of women to submit to their husbands, but how all of us as Christians have the responsibility to learn this thing called submission, and mostly to learn to submit to God.

Our second week we talked about “love” – not the warm fuzzy kind of stuff, but love that’s based on a choice to value another person. It’s a love that is characterized by actions of sacrifice and words of affirmation.

This week we deal with the subject of communication.

Webster defines communication as: “The exchange of ideas, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, or writing.”

One of my professors in seminary wrote a book, “Communication: Key to Your Marriage”. I think he was right.

We’re going to look at seven ingredients to good communication. Taken notes!

1. Stop and think

(Prov 15:28 NKJV) The heart of the righteous studies how to answer, But the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.

You can’t take back words once you’ve said them. Stop and think before you respond.

For some of us, we’ll grow much stronger in our relationships if we learn to slow down our responses.

Sometimes we have something real important to say – take time to think about how you’re going to say it and when you’re going to say it.

Illustration

The Gossiper

Author Unknown, Submitted by Helen Hazinski from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul; Copyright 1997 by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen and Kimberly Kirberger

Words do matter

We learn to say as children, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”.

Not completely true.

Words leave horrible scars that no one else can see.

2. Speak the truth.

(Prov 12:22 NKJV) Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, But those who deal truthfully are His delight.

You may think that you can make a situation a little better by just telling a little lie this one time. But when your lie catches up to you, what you find is that your credibility is gone and when you have a need to be believed, you may find yourself trapped because no one will believe you.

Illustration

A good marriage is built on trust.

I trust that you love me.

I trust that you are committed to me.

One of the elements of trust is telling the truth.

I need to know that when you talk to me about something that I can trust that you are being honest with me.

If we are having a problem between us, and I want to fix the problem, how can I start to fix the problem if I don’t really know the truth?

If you are consistent about speaking the truth to each other, you don’t have to worry about convincing each other that you’re telling the truth.

3. Speak Clearly

I think that sometimes we have a hard time just coming out and saying what we mean. And so we dance around the subject and drop hints about what we’re thinking. But that makes communication pretty risky.

(1 Cor 14:7 NKJV) Even things without life, whether flute or harp, when they make a sound, unless they make a distinction in the sounds, how will it be known what is piped or played?

Paul is talking about how we need to pray for interpretation when a person uses the gift of tongues in a service. But I think there’s a principle that carries over to conversations in English as well. Speak clearly. Say what you mean.

Sometimes things don’t quite come out the way we intended them to like these …

Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Low Self Esteem Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

At the early evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Illustration

Sometimes the problem with clarity isn’t with our words but our actions.

Sometimes our words say one thing, but our actions say another.

You can tell your spouse that they’re your top priority, but if your actions show that other people or things are more important, you’re not speaking clearly.

(1 John 3:16 NKJV) By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.

4. Speak Gently

(Prov 15:1 NKJV) A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Words can resolve or continue a fight.

Healthy marriage is not the absence of fighting, it’s learning to fight fairly, not hitting “below the belt”.

The closer we get to somebody, the more “buttons” we uncover in their life. Do you know what I mean by “buttons”?

It’s like those buttons on the panel marked “Warning, do not push except under nuclear attack!”

Play Dr. Strangelove clip

Buttons are those areas that are extra sensitive in a person’s life. It might be an area of their life that involves hurt or shame. It might be an old sin that isn’t forgotten.

Pressing buttons is not fighting fairly.

The problem with buttons is that they seem to work. If you get to a place in an argument where you are losing, you can always press the button.

Harsh words work.

Some call this the “Easy Button”, like in the commercial.

Harsh words can bully the other person into giving up.

Even though you may have won the argument, you’ve lost the war.

YOU have a responsibility in any argument. YOU have the ability to continue it or work towards resolving it.

You have a choice. You have two kinds of words to choose from. Choose wisely.

Play Indiana Jones – Grail Knight “Choose Wisely” – the poor choice

Dr. Brown didn’t choose wisely. Did you notice that he let the girl make the choice for him?

Sometimes we make the wrong choices and blame it on the other person. we say, “But they made me react the way I did”.

In reality, no one makes the choice for you of which kind of words you respond with. You are the one making the choice.

Play Indiana Jones – Indiana choosing correctly

I thought it was cool the Indiana chose the right cup, the cup of the Carpenter, the simple humble cup.

Just like the words we need to choose. Choose words like Jesus. Choose words that are simple, humble, and gracious.

(Col 4:6 NKJV) Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.

5. Silence

Someone’s mom: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”

Solomon wrote,

(Prov 10:19 NKJV) In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise.

Though good fellowship and good relationships depend on good communication, sometimes it’s important to realize that the best communication at that moment may be no communication. If the things we’re going to say are hurtful, sarcastic, or just stupid, keep your mouth shut.

Our little tongue can be a most dangerous thing.

(James 3:5 NLT) So also, the tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do. A tiny spark can set a great forest on fire.

Illustration

All because of one loose little squirrel.

Sometimes it’s better to be silent.