Sunday Morning Bible Study

January 25, 2009

Introduction

Last week we talked about the element of submission in marriage.

(Eph 5:22-27 NKJV) Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. {23} For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. {24} Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. {25} Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, {26} that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, {27} that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

I made the point that submission is not just for the women.

Today I want to state that loving is not just for the men.  We all need to love.

(John 13:34-35 NKJV) "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. {35} "By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

When it comes to love, we have some pretty wrong or incomplete ideas that the world gives us:

“The Love Boat” (1977)

Sometimes we get the idea that finding the right person is all about being on the “Love Boat”, or a coincidental running into the right person at the right time. And if your heart is hurting, just sign up for another cruise to find true love.

I think that’s more a concept of “Fantasy Island” (1978).

“Love Story” – (1970)

A real tear jerker of a movie. The famous line from the movie was: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”.

They were really meaning that you don’t have to apologize for being in love.

But we usually misuse that line – and the truth is if you love someone you will learn to say “I’m sorry” a lot.

 “From Here To Eternity” beach scene (1953)

A good marriage is all about having that “magic” kiss.

Sex is an important part of marriage – but what the Viagra and Cialis commercials don’t tell you is that having a good relationship is what makes sex best.

From the passage in Ephesians, I want to talk about four ingredients of love – these apply to all our relationships, not just marriage.

1. Commitment

There are several different words that the Greeks used for love. They all need to be involved in marriage.

phileo – a spontaneous natural affection, emotional and unreasoning. Friendship, liking people.

sturge – family love

eros – physical, sexual love

agape – love based on choice and esteem

Agape isn’t something you accidentally fall into, it’s something you choose.

You make a choice to place value on another person.

This is the word used to describe God’s love and the love we are to have for one another.

Many marriages exist on the first three kinds of love. Christian marriage adds the fourth kind of love.

This is why our Christian marriage ceremony involves the exchanging of “vows”.

You are making a commitment, you are exercising your choice. You choose the other person.

The love in Christian marriage isn’t something you “fall out of”.

The phileo, sturge, and eros may have gone, but agape makes a choice to remain.

I’m not saying that Christian marriage is all about duty and nothing about passion.

I believe that if you do the agape right, the other kinds of love will come back.

2. Sacrifice

(Eph 5:25 NKJV) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

Husbands are to follow the example of Jesus. They are to love their wives like Jesus loves us, the church.

Jesus’ love involved sacrifice. Self-sacrifice.  He gave HIMSELF.

Jesus loved us so much that He willingly gave up His life for us.

Illustration

Judy said she had grown up as the daughter of missionaries from the Evangelical Covenant Church in the old Congo. When she was a little girl, there was a celebration held for the 100th anniversary of the coming of Christian missionaries to that part of the Congo. She said that in typical African fashion, it was an all-day event—starting at sunrise and going all the way until sunset. There was food and music and speeches and parties. It was a great time of celebration. Near the end of the day, when it was almost dark and time for everyone to go home, a very old man asked if he could come and speak to the gathered crowd. When he came up there he said, "There's something I know that no one else knows, and I'm soon going to die. If I don't tell you, then I will take this to the grave with me. A hundred years ago, when the missionaries first came to our people, we had never heard of their God or of their book or had seen anyone who had looked anything like them. Our people didn't know whether to believe what they had to say or not. So our leaders got together, and they conspired to come up with a test to find out the credibility of these newcomers. The test was they would poison one of them and see how everybody reacted."

What ensued was one day a little girl got sick, and her parents thought it was an ordinary illness. But nothing they could do—nothing in the missionary medical book that they brought along—seemed to cover this situation. Their daughter, just a child—a preschooler—got sicker and sicker, and she died. Here they thought they had come to establish a community, and they started out by establishing a cemetery.

A few weeks later, a husband in another family got sick, and it was a similar sickness. He just got sicker and sicker, and he died. Then the wife of the third couple and another child—until this old man explained how they all died. His people watched how each missionary died and decided the message must be true. It was then, the old man said, that they decided to follow Jesus.

Leith Anderson, in his sermon "Jesus and John: Together to Trust," Preaching Today

Jesus said,

(Mat 16:24 NKJV) Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.

This is hard – one of our natural instincts is “self-preservation”.

We grow up learning the word “mine” real quick.

We want to be served, not to serve.

We can be quite a bunch of selfish slobs sometimes

Illustration

A mom asked her two year old son to take his dirty clothes and put them into the hamper. He looked puzzled, so his mother explained. “You know; it’s the place where we put our dirty clothes before they’re washed.” So he picked up his things, trotted into his parents’ bedroom, and dropped his clothes on the floor...on the dad’s side of the bed.

We don’t do things for no good reason. We do things to get something.

“If I take out the trash, maybe I’ll get a reward!”

Some of you are going to pay real close attention to this morning because you are going to think, “If I can get this love things down, then maybe he/she will do …”

Real love is selfless.

God wants us to learn how to deny ourselves and focus on the people around us.

3. Action

(Eph 5:25 NKJV) Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,

God’s love is proven in His actions.

(Rom 5:8 NKJV) But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

God didn’t love us so much that He sent us Valentine’s cards. He sent His son to die on a cross and pay for our sins.

God’s actions weren’t just well meaning but empty gifts – like the little boy that gives his mother a pet frog for her birthday – I’m sure most moms would love anything from their sons, but the mom doesn’t need a frog – the boy is just giving the mom what he wants.

God’s actions are based on our needs.

God knows that we needed to have our sins paid for.

Do you know what your spouse needs? Really needs?

How are you to find out? You could ask. You could watch.

Illustration

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, “I’m tired, and it’s getting late. I think I’ll go to bed.” She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day’s lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. (At this point I quite with the pictures!!!)  She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, “I thought you were going to bed.” “I’m on my way,” she said. She put some water into the dog’s dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, the hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular “I’m going to bed,” and he did.

It’s really not that hard to pick up on most of the needs of your spouse.

Some needs require lots of work to uncover.

4. Words

(Eph 5:26-27 NKJV)  that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, {27} that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

Husbands are to copy the love of Christ for the church.

Jesus loves the church by washing the church in the water of His words.

Husbands are to love their wives in the water of their words.

Frankly, we all need to be careful about how our words affect our relationships.

Sometimes husbands aren’t so good with words:

Illustration

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. “You know,” she says, “I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.” “My face is all wrinkled, every part of my body is hanging out a mile.” “I’ve got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to her husband and says; “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.” He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice; “Well, ... there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.” Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at Forest Lawn.

Our words can be powerful things.

(Prov 12:18 NASB)  There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Our words have the ability to cut.  Sometimes it’s those “rash” words, the ones we don’t think about that do the most damage.

Words also have the ability to bring healing.

This is not just a “guy” thing.  The foolish woman abuses with her words:

(Prov 27:15 NKJV)  A continual dripping on a very rainy day And a contentious woman are alike;

(Prov 14:1 NKJV)  The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands.

The wise woman cares about her words:

(Prov 31:26 NKJV)  She opens her mouth with wisdom, And on her tongue is the law of kindness.

(Eph 5:26-27 NKJV)  that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, {27} that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.

Note that there is an effect created by the words – they beautify the other person.

Jesus washes us in the words of Scripture – they encourage us, they correct us, they build us up – all towards the goal of the day that we are in heaven – and we won’t have spots or wrinkles or any blemishes.

Could it be possible that our words might have the same effect on those around us?

Look at the example of Solomon and his bride.  Look how he uses words with her:

(Song 4:1-4 NKJV)  Behold, you are fair, my love! Behold, you are fair! You have dove's eyes behind your veil.

Doves eyes.  That’s good.

Your hair is like a flock of goats, Going down from Mount Gilead.

I’m not sure about that one.  Something’s lost in the translation.

{2} Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep Which have come up from the washing, Every one of which bears twins, And none is barren among them.

These are the days before dentists.  It was a beautiful thing for a woman to have a full mouth of teeth.

{3} Your lips are like a strand of scarlet, And your mouth is lovely.

That’s a keeper.

Your temples behind your veil Are like a piece of pomegranate.

Not sure about that one.  Except I’ve come to really like pomegranates after our trips to Israel.

{4} Your neck is like the tower of David, Built for an armory, On which hang a thousand bucklers, All shields of mighty men.

Again. something lost in the translation.

Solomon goes on to get even more intimate in his description about her beauty – but I’ve got to keep it PG this morning…

Look how Solomon sums her up:

(Song 4:7 NKJV)  You are all fair, my love, And there is no spot in you.

That sounds like the “not having spot or wrinkle” thing in Ephesians.

Was Solomon’s wife the first perfect woman?  No.  But she was a loved woman.

I have a sincere belief, men, that if you will love your wife correctly, she WILL grow more and more beautiful through the years.  I’ll give you my money back guarantee on that one.

Folks, if you don’t think your spouse is getting more beautiful over time, then something is wrong.

Learn to bathe your spouse with the right words.

Words that affirm.  Words that build up.  Words that comfort.  Words that encourage.

Too often the words that come out of our mouth are simply critical.

For some of us, all we can think of is the thing that’s wrong with our spouse.

You need to change your focus.

Stop focusing on what’s wrong.  Tell her what’s right.

Categories to speak about:

Body – like Solomon did

Soul – their heart, their mind

Spirit – their love for the Lord

If I gave you five minutes to get alone with your spouse and I asked you to tell them five things that you appreciate about them, could you do it right now?  How long would it take to come up with five whole things to compliment them about?

One of the most tragic marital counseling sessions I’ve ever had was with a couple who did nothing but complain about each other to me.  At one point I asked the husband if he could tell me five things that he appreciated about his wife – and he couldn’t think of one.  The wife was devastated.

This is a discipline we all need to grow in.  It’s something we need to cultivate. 

Note:  Don’t just do the “words”.  Be sure you have been doing the “commitment”,  “sacrifice” and the “actions” as well.  This is love.

Rekindling the fire

Remember that a husband and wife’s relationship is to reflect that of Jesus and the church.

When you see passages about Jesus and His church, they too can be instructive for your marriage.

Jesus writes a letter to the church in Ephesus and has some serious things to say:

(Rev 2:4-5 NKJV)  "Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love.

As Christians we used to say “I’ve lost my first love”.  But that’s not what Jesus says.  He didn’t say we “lost” it, He said we “left” it.

“Lost” implies you don’t know where it is.

“Left” implies you know how to get back there.

If the love in your marriage isn’t where it needs to be, there’s a way to get back where you need to be.

{5} "Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place; unless you repent.

Remember

Take a minute to remember what it used to be like.  That’s where you left it.  That’s where you’re headed.

Repent

Are there things that are hurting your relationship?  Are there things that you are doing that are harming the marriage?

Are you allowing too many things to take up your time with your spouse?

Are there people you are becoming more attached to than your spouse?

Turn around.

Re-do – do the first works.

Perhaps you could do some of those things you used to do – like giving her flowers, open doors for her, etc.

You could also think about:

Commitment

Sacrifice

Action

Words